Nothing more than feelings..

November 10, 2005

I apologize for not updating. I am experiencing some emotions that I am unfamiliar with and am not sure how to deal with. I wasn’t even sure if I should post this, because I feel extremely vulnerable expressing it, but I don’t want to hide anything I experienced on this trip.

My main problem is I cannot focus on anything for any length of time and feel like I’m wandering around in a fog. I cry at the drop of a hat. I’ve had horrible nightmares since I’ve returned, mainly involving sick or dying animals. I’m tired all the time. I get frustrated and irriated very easily, too. I also feel so hypersensitive, to the point where I don’t want to be hugged or touched sometimes. If I didn’t have my friend Cat to talk with about our experiences in Louisiana, I don’t know what I’d do. I would think I was going crazy.

I did some research and, apparently, I have the beginning of Posttraumatic Stress Disorder. The good thing is I’m not “officially” diagnosed with it until I’ve had symptoms for a month, so hopefully I won’t feel this way in a month and no long-term damage is done.

The worst of it is I have no motivation to do anything except go back to Louisiana and be with the animals to help them more. I feel so guilty for leaving them, since I got so attached to them and knew each and every one of them.

I know.. I know.. All I need is time to decompress and time to absorb it all. The problem is that Kevin and I are leaving to fly to the East Coast on Friday to attend his cousin’s wedding. I don’t want to travel. I don’t want to get dressed up. I don’t want to be around people. I don’t want to have to make small talk about my trip. I just feel like curling up in a ball and sleeping in a hole for a few days.

Anyway, the one thing I am trying so hard to focus on is getting my photos from the trip posted. Click on the photos link to the left to view. I hope to have them all up by the end of the day.

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{ 3 comments… read them below or add one }

Mom November 12, 2005 at 3:55 pm

Great story. Remember Fantasia? And the Nothing? My favorite scene is when Atreyu has to get past the sphinxes, and Bastion shouts “BE POSITIVE!” Someone posted the following on another blog:

Atreyu: I will not die easily, I am a warrior!
G’mork: [laughs] Brave warrior, then fight the Nothing.
Atreyu: But I can’t! I can’t get beyond the boundaries of Fantasia!
[G'mork laughs]
Atreyu: What’s so funny about that?
G’mork: Fantasia has no boundaries.
Atreyu: That’s not true. You’re lying.
G’mork: Foolish boy. Don’t you know anything about Fantasia? It’s the world of human fantasy. Every part, every creature of it, is a piece of the dreams and hopes of mankind. Therefore, it has no boundaries.
Atreyu: But why is Fantasia dying then?
G’mork: Because people have begun to lose their hopes and forget their dreams, so the Nothing grows stronger.
Atreyu: What is the Nothing?
G’mork: It’s the emptiness that’s left. It’s like a despair, destroying this world. And I have been trying to help it.
Atreyu: But why?
G’mork: Because people who have no hopes are easy to control. And whoever has control has… the power!

It’s times like this when the mythology in stories works great to reconnect us to our scattered parts and help us heal.

As for guilt… it is only useful when you’ve done something wrong. Leaving was not wrong. You did an immense amount of good while you were there. Guilt is what this administration should be feeling for allowing this disaster to happen! You wanna be pissed, be pissed at them, not yourself!

Love you. L*


etherealfire November 18, 2005 at 3:00 pm

I hope you feel better soon. You did an amazing and brave thing and when your heart is open and vulnerable its no wonder that you have come back shellshocked. Bless you for the work you have done!


Binary Blonde November 23, 2005 at 9:57 am

I am feeling better, thank you both for your concern! I already have plans to return to New Orleans, so this time I will know what to expect and it won’t be such a shell shock upon my return home.


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